Giving up the fight against reality

Sometimes, friends, in the dark of the night, when everything is still and clear, and the excited singsong of sunrise has not yet begun, I consider giving up on these various long fighting campaigns against reality that I have been conducting. And sometimes, I go through with it.

The moment just before such an act is the most horrific thing imaginable. It is as if everything I have worked so hard for is about to be turned to ash, unless I fight to prevent it. It is as if I will have nothing left to live for. And sometimes I turn back.

But sometimes there is faith and determination and I keep going, and I do give up the fight, and I tell you these are the most joyful moments of my life, because in the moment just after giving up this fight, it becomes so clear that there is nothing worth fighting against reality for. It is not a bright flash of light or a burst of giddy happiness, but a gentle sunrise, as unsurprising as the trees, and as inevitable as the mountains. Nothing worth fighting for is outside of reality.

It is not an apathetic surrender. In fact it is a time to make sweeping changes to my life, to surge forwards with energy and determination, to recommit to offering every gift I have to offer. The cessation of the fight against reality is the cessation of the fight against my own true nature, too. It is an unleashing of spirit, even though every bone in my body says that it will be the opposite.

If you reach a point of great desperation, and you consider giving up on something that seems so very important to you, please do not do so out of self-harm or apathy, but if you can find a way to hold your own hand and let go out of love, you may find something quite beautiful and worthwhile just a hair’s breath away.